The Figgis Agency On The Town
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang has a fun filled day in LA.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off somewhere having fun. This is more fun from my mad, deranged little mind. Imagine if you will…**

 **The Figgis Agency On The Town **

"Well Gang," Cyril said proudly in the bullpen. "Looks like the Figgis Agency finally solved the puzzle!"

"It took us two days," Ray said. "But we finally did it!"

"Yeah," Pam grinned as she looked at the object on the table. "We completed a Smokey and the Bandit movie puzzle! All 500 pieces!"

"YAY!" Cheryl cheered as she downed some groovy bears. "We accomplished something!"

"Probably the **only puzzle** this agency will **ever solve** ," Krieger quipped.

"I was just thinking that," Pam said.

"Me too," Ray said.

"We probably would have gotten it done a lot faster if we didn't watch a bunch of movies while we were doing it," Pam said. "Don't get me wrong. I love Any Which Way But Loose and The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. And of course, we saw Smokey And The Bandit…But why did you let us do it Cyril?"

"Yeah aren't you and Monster Hands always going on about **not** wasting time at the office?" Cheryl snorted.

"Well for one thing," Cyril said. "There's no work to be done at the office and we had time to kill."

"And Lana and Ms. Archer are out," Ray said. "So they can't kill us for screwing around."

"I know Ms. Archer is sitting by her son's side," Cheryl blinked. "Drinking. But where did Truck-A-Saurus go?"

"School had a week off so Lana took AJ up to see her grandparents," Ray explained. "I can see her point. It's nice for AJ to be around some relatives that are actually sober."

"And not completely evil violent selfish sex crazed harpies," Pam added. "I get it."

"Cyril you were just giving us busy work," Krieger realized.

Cyril nodded. "Lana specifically said for me to try and keep the destruction down to a minimum while she was gone. I figured short of drugging you and throwing your bodies in a meat locker, watching movies and working on a puzzle would do it."

"You've imagined that scenario before, haven't you?" Ray looked at him.

"Like he's the **only one** ," Cheryl scoffed.

"Ehh," Pam and Krieger admitted with a shrug.

"Plus," Cyril admitted. "It's a Burt Reynolds puzzle. I figured if Archer comes out of his coma and finds out we completed a Burt Reynolds puzzle without him…"

"What?" Ray asked. "He'd have an aneurysm knowing that we did something connected to his man crush _without him_? Even if it's just a puzzle and some movies?"

"I know it's a longshot," Cyril shrugged. "But it's worth a try."

"Wow Cyril," Cheryl looked at him. "You will do **anything** to piss Archer off no matter how stupid or pointless. I **knew** there was something I liked about you!"

"So now what do we do?" Krieger asked.

"Or is it whom do we do?" Pam quipped

"We finished the puzzle," Krieger said. "We even stuck it with glue so it would stay together."

"Yeah thanks for stealing my glue guys," Cheryl glared at them.

"We were doing your remaining brain cells a favor," Ray told her. "Try to give the population a chance to rebuild in there."

"Fat chance of **that** happening," Cheryl laughed as she downed another groovy bear. "Ooh! Tingly!"

"Now what do we do?" Pam asked. "How about we get out of the office? Stretch our legs. Have a little field trip!"

"Oh yeah," Ray said sarcastically. "Let's find a new place to get banned from!"

"We can behave ourselves," Pam said.

"Can you?" Ray asked.

"Says the guy who caused a tidal wave of ice cream at the Ice Cream Museum," Cheryl snickered.

"At least I don't set **fires!"** Ray snapped.

"Calm down!" Krieger said. "I'm sure we can find something to do."

"We're not going to a bar," Cyril said.

"Why not?" Krieger asked.

"It's only ten in the morning," Cyril said.

"Again," Krieger said. "Why not?"

"I hate to admit it," Ray shrugged. "But I could go somewhere."

"YAY! Field trip!" Cheryl cheered.

"No! No!" Cyril protested.

"Oh, come on Cyril," Pam said. "Lana's not here! You don't have to obey her every command! You're not in the bedroom!"

"Zing!" Ray quipped.

"I don't obey her **every** command!" Cyril snapped. "I just don't want to get us in trouble. Which we seem to do quite regularly I might add."

"It's not our fault," Cheryl said. "Blame the formula for situation comedy!"

"Let's see where we've already been," Krieger took out his phone. "I kept a list. We've been on the Hollywood Tours."

"Banned from the Hollywood Tours," Cyril pointed out.

"Archer's the one who brought all those beers," Pam protested. "And started the chugging contest!"

"The La Brea Tar Pits," Krieger went on.

" **Banned** from the La Brea Tar Pits," Cyril folded his arms.

"The Chinese Theater," Krieger read. "Lego Land. Universal Studios Tour. The Hollywood Walk of Fame. The Ice Cream Museum. Griffith Observatory. Farmers Market. Renaissance Fair. The LA Car Museum. Frosty Kingdom. Rodeo Drive…"

"Banned, banned, banned," Cyril counted off. "Chased away by the police. Banned and destroyed. Banned. Banned. Banned. Banned. Destroyed **and** banned. Asked to stay away from…"

"I don't remember the observatory," Cheryl blinked.

"That's because you were so plastered," Pam said. "You, me and Archer were drinking some whisky and hogged the telescope all night. Then Archer punched out that scientist and everyone had a hissy fit."

"Oh yeah," Cheryl realized. "And I set a fire to cover our escape. Good times. How about the zoo?"

"NO!" Everyone else shouted.

"After all those instances in New York? And Branson? No way!" Cyril barked.

"You just want to get hopped up on tiger tranquilizers again!" Pam snapped.

"Like I'm the only one!" Cheryl protested.

"You are," Pam said.

"Definitely," Krieger nodded. "Now if we were talking lemur tranquilizers that would be a different story."

"Lame," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"How about the Getty Center?" Ray asked.

"That's out," Cheryl shook her head. "Tunts are banned for life there. Long story. Blame my Grandfather for that one. And one of Getty's mistresses. Some weak ass Etruscan urns. A really flammable painting. And that stupid lion Getty owned."

"How about the Hollywood Cemetery?" Pam asked.

"That's out," Krieger admitted. "I may have been there one or two times…"

"Do I even want to know?" Cyril sighed.

"It might be better legally if you didn't," Krieger admitted. "By the way, if you were thinking of cloning any celebrities in the future…"

"I wasn't," Cyril interrupted.

"Don't," Krieger sighed. "Bad idea."

"So was joining this group in the first place," Cyril moaned.

"And I might as well mention that the Museum of Jurassic Technology is also out," Krieger added. "Pretty much for almost the same reasons as the Hollywood Cemetery."

"Of course, it is," Cyril sighed.

Krieger looked at his list. "Okay we've been to Venice Beach and the Santa Monica Pier. Technically we're not banned but…"

"It's a good idea to lie low," Pam nodded. "Especially after we sold so much stolen illegal crap at those places. And that one fight Archer got in with that mime. How about MacArthur Park? Oh wait, that's out."

"Babou got loose there," Cheryl explained. "Boy one stupid little chihuahua gets eaten and everybody has a hissy fit!"

"That's also where we held the science protest," Krieger added. "I think…I know it was in some famous park."

"How about the LA County Museum?" Cyril asked. "We haven't been there. Have we?"

"That's out," Ray sighed.

"What did **you** do?" Cyril glared at Ray.

"A very cute museum director who happened to be married and didn't tell me," Ray groaned. "Long story. Kind of embarrassing. Short version, it's a bad idea to make out behind any curtains at galas."

"When was **this?** " Pam asked.

"Right after the incident with the clowns," Ray said. "You were all kind of out of it for a few days so I went out…"

"I don't want to know anymore," Cyril groaned.

"By the way," Ray paused. "The USS Iowa is out too."

"See Ray, Krieger, Cheryl and I went on the tour…" Pam began. "Where we met up with these cute sailors on leave…"

"I said I didn't want to **know!** " Cyril snapped. "And as long as we're on the subject…The Theme Building is out too. They really don't like it when you ride the elevator a lot."

"More like some self-love in the…" Pam began.

"I didn't do that **there!** " Cyril snapped. "That was the elevator in the Greystone Manor. I don't know why they were mad! It was a service elevator and there weren't any cameras…"

"And I think it's safe to say that anything with the name Tunt in it is out," Ray spoke up.

"He's not wrong," Cheryl agreed. "And the Staples Center. Tunts are banned from that too. That was technically my cousin's fault. And all that whipped cream she brought in. And the seven gallons of maple syrup. And that okapi…"

"So where can we go that's new?" Pam interrupted.

"And has no clue about our reputation," Ray added.

"Let me see what's left," Krieger looked at his phone. "Boy we've really done a lot in LA since we got here. Oh, here's something. There's a baseball game this afternoon at Dodgers Stadium. I wonder who's playing?"

"We can watch it on TV," Cyril suggested.

"Why don't we watch it in person?" Cheryl asked.

"Because one, they probably sold out tickets," Cyril explained. "And two, we probably couldn't afford them if we did."

"Who needs tickets?" Cheryl asked. "I'm seriously asking."

"Of course, you need tickets Choker Face!" Pam snapped.

"I never do," Cheryl said. "I just show up and they let me into my box. I think it's because I have a fast pass or something. I have one of those to a lot of places."

"Wait hang on…" Pam paused. "Are you telling me you have a **private box seat** at this stadium?"

"I know I have private box seats at a lot of stadiums," Cheryl shrugged. "I'm just not sure if Dodgers Stadium is one of them."

Everyone looked at each other…

Later that day…

"What do you know?" Cheryl whooped as she drank champagne in her private box. "I do have one here! Learn something new every day!"

"Gotta admit," Pam ate from the private buffet. "This is pretty damn sweet."

"Beats the damn bleachers from the sandlot back home," Ray said as he finished a lobster roll. "My that is tasty."

"This is exciting!" Krieger grinned. He was wearing a Dodgers cap. "My first American baseball game!"

"You never went to one?" Ray asked. "Even as a kid?"

"I spent a lot of my formative years in the lab," Krieger admitted. "Go team! Kick a field goal and put it in the net!"

"I haven't the heart to tell him," Ray said to Cyril. "You do it."

"Later," Cyril said as he sipped some champagne. "Man, it's been years since I've been to a game. Even longer since I played one."

"Oh right," Pam said as she munched on a burger. "When Ms. Archer had the brilliant idea of forming a softball team to play against ODIN. Why did she do that again?"

"Who remembers?" Cheryl shrugged as she drank her champagne.

"I do," Ray said. "I remember it was a freaking disaster!"

"Wouldn't have been so bad if Krieger didn't dope half the team up!" Pam pointed out.

"I told Ms. Archer Krieger-Aide wasn't ready!" Krieger pointed out. "I specifically told her it needed more testing!"

"Thank God Ms. Archer wouldn't let me play," Ray grumbled.

"Weren't you in a wheelchair at the time?" Cheryl asked.

"Still…" Ray waved. "Anyway, half the batters who drank it passed out and had to be taken to the emergency room."

"Except for Archer," Pam nodded. "Who insisted on drinking scotch instead."

"Not that it mattered," Ray groaned. "Archer was plastered by the sixth inning. Getting into an imaginary argument with Babe Ruth. Trying to catch balls that weren't there. Ignoring the balls that were there. Vomiting when he rounded the bases. Getting into a fight with the umpire. Hitting on ODIN's bat girl."

"And then Lana decided to hit him with the bat," Cyril remembered. "Chasing him around the bases with a bat. And it wasn't even her turn."

"Then we had the brawl," Ray sighed. "And the cops showed up. God, I hate the smell of tear gas."

"Krieger you were there," Pam said. "You've been to a baseball game before."

"But not a professional one," Krieger pointed out.

"He's right," Ray said. "Our team was anything but professional."

"I figured that out when Cheryl took off half her clothes and did yoga during the third inning," Cyril remarked. "On second base."

"Well I didn't want to wait for the seventh inning stretch," Cheryl said.

"Go team!" Krieger cheered. "Yay sports!"

"I have to admit," Cyril said. "This is nice. Cheryl how many times do you come up here?"

"This is the first time I've been to this box," Cheryl shrugged. "Hey I wonder if the cannons work?"

"Cannons?" Ray did a double take. "What cannons?"

"There are no cannons in a private box," Pam waved. "She's just being crazy again. Ignore her and watch the game."

"Go sports!" Krieger cheered. "Sports! Sports! Sports! Sports!"

"No, I'm serious," Cheryl looked around. "They installed a T-Shirt cannon up here somewhere. I remember because Ugly was complaining about it all the time. _It's a waste of money. Why would you want to shoot out T-shirts from a cannon? It could cause a lawsuit! It_ _wouldn't be prudent!_ Oh wait, that last one was someone else…"

"Hang on," Pam did a double take. "Are you **serious**?"

"Swearsies-Realsies," Cheryl nodded.

"That can't be true," Ray said. "I mean, I know Tunts are known for doing crazy extravagant impractical things but that **can't** be true!"

"Hey! Somebody hit the ball with one of those wooden things!" Krieger called out. "Neat!"

"Even if it is true…" Cyril paused. "What are the odds it's this private box…?"

"Found it!" Cheryl cheered as she pushed a button. A panel opened in front of her with two controls. Outside the box panels opened up and two cannon like objects appeared.

"One to one apparently," Ray blinked.

"Oh, this is freaking sweet!" Pam went over. "We gotta do this!"

"No, we don't," Cyril winced. "We could just forget about it and watch the game."

"Yeah right!" Cheryl prepared to fire. "Fire in the hole!"

BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM!

"WHOOO HOO! Now I know how those T-Shirt babes feel!" Pam whooped. "Look at those guys fighting over T-Shirts!"

"The power! The **power!"** Cheryl cackled.

"My turn!" Krieger got up. "My turn!"

"Guys! No! Stop it!" Cyril protested.

"Give it a go!" Pam gave Krieger a turn.

BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM!

"Whoa! You just knocked that one guy serving drinks out cold!" Cheryl whooped. "Good shot!"

"YES! YES! I FEEL THE RUSH! MUAH HA HA HA!" Krieger cackled.

"Oh, what the hell?" Ray shrugged. "I'm gonna get blamed anyway so…"

"Ray! No!" Cyril protested.

"Who are you?" Ray asked as he took the controls from Krieger. "No Say Cyril?"

"You can do better," Pam told him.

BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM!

"I did better!" Cheryl cheered. "I just shot the peanut guy! Look at those peanuts fly!"

"Look at all those people fighting over a damn T-Shirt!" Pam whooped.

"I gotta do this!" Ray grinned. "Ooh! Look who's in the bleacher seats right below us! I think that's Reverend Gideon Delord!"

"The Anti-Gay activist?" Pam did a double take. "Take him out!"

"With pleasure!" Ray grinned.

"No! No! NO!" Cyril pleaded.

BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM!

"WHOO HOO!" Ray cheered. "I GOT HIM!"

"And the woman next to him," Pam said. "Who isn't his wife. And another peanut guy!"

"OH GOD!" Cyril moaned.

BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM! BA-BLAM!

"Take that poor people!" Cheryl whooped. "I AM YOUR T-SHIRT GOD! HA! HA! HA!"

"Look at that!" Pam pointed.

"A riot is starting over T-Shirts!" Krieger pointed. "Cool!"

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Cyril rushed over and tried to get the controls away from Cheryl.

"HEY!" Cheryl protested. "Stop it Cyril!"

"Things Lana says when they're on a date," Ray quipped.

"You know…?" Cyril shouted.

That's when his fingers slipped on the trigger.

BA-BLAM!

"Oops," Cyril winced when he saw where his shot had landed.

"Damn Cyril," Ray gasped. "You just knocked out the pitcher!"

"Yeah but he's for the other team so…" Pam shrugged.

"We are so going to be banned for this," Cyril groaned.

Twenty minutes later…

"I was right," Cyril moaned as Krieger drove them around in his Rush Van. "We're banned from Dodger's Stadium! For life!"

"Hey it wasn't our fault," Pam told him. "Whose idea was it to put T-Shirt cannons into a box seat anyway?"

"I think it was my father's," Cheryl admitted. "No surprises there. He loved to shoot anything that moved. And some things that couldn't."

"Well we made it two and a half days without getting into trouble," Cyril moaned. "I tried."

"You did," Ray shrugged. "You really did."

"We're lucky we weren't arrested for assault," Cyril moaned.

"Especially you," Pam quipped.

"Relax," Cheryl waved. "My lawyers took care of the whole shooting people with T-Shirts thing. It's a clause they put in when they bought the box office. I think…"

"Oh God…" Cyril moaned.

"I was thinking of selling that box anyway," Cheryl waved. "Baseball is boring. Especially when compared to formula one racing. No horrifying crashes and fires."

"Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the day," Ray said. "It may be one of the last ones Cyril spends as a free man."

"ME?" Cyril shouted. "You're the one who shot that famous reverend!"

"And as it turns out his mistress," Pam added. "Something tells me that's gonna be on the news tonight."

"How about we just drive around?" Krieger said. "This is LA! We could drive around Hollywood Boulevard! Like in the movies! What was the name of that one again…?"

"Hollywood Boulevard?" Ray suggested.

"Exactly!" Krieger said.

"Well I guess driving around and seeing the sights a bit wouldn't hurt," Cyril sighed. "Might confuse any cops on our trail."

"That's the spirit!" Krieger grinned. "This is going to be fun!"

Thirty minutes later…

"This is so booorrrrinngg!" Cheryl groaned from the back seat. "All we've been doing is driving around looking at stupid buildings then get stuck in traffic not going anywhere for hours and then looking around at more buildings!"

"We've only been riding around thirty minutes," Pam said.

"Uggghhhh!" Cheryl groaned.

"I guess it doesn't live up to the hype," Ray admitted. "Plus, I think we've already driven around here one or two times."

"Yeah let's actually **go** somewhere," Pam suggested. "Mostly because I need to go. Somewhere."

"Not in the van!" Krieger snapped.

"Not like anyone could tell the difference!" Pam snapped.

"Look!" Ray pointed. "There's one of those indoor amusement park things. You know? With the motion rides? Let's go in there for a while. They're bound to have a bathroom."

"You know how much those places **cost?** " Cyril snapped.

"Do you know how much cleaning the inside of a van costs?" Krieger snapped.

"Point taken," Cyril groaned.

Another thirty minutes later…

"This place is pretty cool," Pam said as they finished playing Skee-ball. "They have Skee ball and everything here."

"It is nice," Ray said. "Where's Krieger? I haven't seen him since we got here."

"Guys! I got tickets to the Rock and Roller Inside Coaster!" Krieger came up to them. He looked excited. "Come on! Come on!"

"Why not?" Pam shrugged as they followed him.

"Do you want the short list or the top ten?" Cyril groaned.

Soon they were in the seats. "This is going to be great!" Krieger giggled.

"Krieger it's just a large theater that moves with a screen," Cheryl yawned. "It's mildly amusing at best."

"Not with the modifications I put in," Krieger grinned.

"You did _what now?"_ Ray did a double take.

"Uh oh," Pam gulped.

"What?" Cyril asked.

"Did you ever see Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie with Rowan Atkinson?" Pam asked.

"No," Cyril said.

"Well you're about to experience one of the best scenes," Pam groaned. "Spoiler alert…"

"Brace yourselves," Krieger cackled with a mad look in his eyes.

"Oh God…" Cyril held onto his seat for dear life as the ride began.

The next thing Cyril knew, he felt as if he was crash landing in the space shuttle all over again. Only this time it wouldn't stop and it was happening at warp factor 9. "OH GOD!"

"AAAAHHH!" A man was flung out of his seat.

"This is awesome!" Pam whooped.

"I love it!" Cheryl whooped as more people flew out of their seats. She whacked a woman trying to hold onto the seat behind her.

"Isn't this great?" Krieger laughed.

"I'm getting flashbacks of the Nereus," Ray moaned. "Oh, please God don't let me be paralyzed again! PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN!"

"AAAAHHH!" A middle-aged nun flew over their heads.

"I just saw Sally Fields!" Cheryl squealed.

"I see my life flashing before my eyes," Cyril moaned as he held on for dear life. "I am so going to Hell!"

"YAAYYY!" Cheryl whooped as more people flew out of their seats.

Twenty minutes later…

"Oh, come on guys," Krieger said as he drove the van. "It wasn't that bad."

"Yes, it was!" Cyril snapped. He had removed his jacket and sweater vest. "And I got vomit all over my jacket and sweater vest!"

"Sorry about that," Pam apologized. "Those lobster rolls and burgers came up in a way I didn't expect!"

"So I jazzed up the ride a little bit?" Krieger shrugged. "What's the problem?"

"Besides putting at least six people in the hospital?" Cyril snapped. "And that place might be shut down due to the lawsuits?"

"You're just lucky that not only nobody saw you," Ray snapped. "We also high tailed it out of there before the cops came!"

"Yeah let's call it luck," Krieger waved. "I prefer to call it skill. Potato. Po-ta-to."

"You know the really scary thing?" Cyril groaned. "Compared to some of those actual crash landings I survived that was actually rather tame!"

"You didn't even fly out of your seat," Cheryl nodded. "Like those other people."

"I'll never forget that one nun that flew over my head and whammed into the guy in the front row," Ray groaned. "God is going to get us for that one!"

"She wasn't the one who got her arm broken," Cheryl said.

"Okay so what should we do next?" Pam asked.

"Stop while the city is still standing?" Cyril suggested.

"Come on! It's not even dark out!" Pam said as she held her phone. "I feel like having a brewski! And I found the perfect place! Just opened up last week! In fact, it's on the next street. Turn right Krieger!"

"This does not bode well," Ray sighed as they turned a corner and stopped in front of a bar.

"Axe To Grind," Cyril read the sign.

"It's a bar where you learn to throw axes!" Pam grinned. "I found it online! I wanna try it out! Come on! I'm buying!"

"This group, alcohol and sharp weapons," Cyril remarked as they went in. "Why **not?** What could possibly go **wrong?"**

Twenty minutes later…

"Oh right," Cyril remarked. **"Everything!"**

"Oops," Ray winced as he looked at the completely destroyed target. "Sorry!"

"Damn that thing went through two walls!" Pam whistled. "You used your bionic hand, didn't you?"

"I really shouldn't have," Ray sighed. "And Cheryl certainly shouldn't be doing that!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl squealed while she was chasing a huge guy with two sharp axes.

"And that's how we got banned from the Axe Bar," Pam sighed.

Twenty minutes later…

"I can't take you people _anywhere,_ can I?" Cyril snapped as Krieger drove them around.

"Okay! Maybe in hindsight going to a bar with axes and alcohol with Cheryl and a cyborg wasn't the greatest plan?" Pam admitted.

" _Maybe?"_ Krieger quipped.

"But nobody got hurt or died," Pam went on.

"Not without trying," Cheryl admitted.

"And at least I was **trying** to think of something fun to do!" Pam defended.

"Well I'm trying to think of things we can do and **not** get **arrested!** " Cyril snapped.

"Keep thinking," Krieger said. "The night is young!"

"And there are still some buildings standing," Ray quipped.

"That's the spirit!" Krieger grinned.

"Can't we just go back to the agency and do **another puzzle?"** Cyril sighed. "Maybe one with a different movie theme or something?"

"We already did what you wanted," Cheryl said. "Let someone else have a turn!"

"I think we all had a turn," Ray said.

"Okay then it's my turn again," Cheryl grinned. She looked around. "Could you pull into that parking lot for a minute Krieger?"

"Sure," Krieger did so.

"Thanks!" Cheryl then opened the door to the van and ran out laughing.

"Where is Flame for Brains going?" Pam snapped.

"Where are **we**?" Cyril blinked.

"The LA Zoo," Ray realized as he read the sign. "Oh no!"

"Should we stop her?" Krieger asked.

"She's already at the gate," Pam noticed. "What do you know? She has some kind of fast pass."

"She's inside," Ray said. "Man, that girl can run when she wants to."

"She's going to go get high on tiger tranquilizers, again isn't she?" Cyril groaned.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.

"Should we do something?" Cyril asked in a worried tone.

"Yes," Ray said. "We go to Happenings. Have dinner. And wait for either the cops or paramedics to call us."

"Good plan," Pam said. "Let's roll Krieger!"

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger said as he drove away.

"Fine," Cyril said. "And nobody tells Lana or Ms. Archer what happened today. Especially Lana!"

"Relax Nervous Nelly," Pam waved. "How's she gonna find out?"

Not long afterwards in Berkeley…

"Damn it all to Hell!" Lemuel snapped at the television. He was watching TV in the living room with his wife and Lana. "The Dodgers game got canceled! All because of a stupid stunt!"

"Well," Claudette paused. "At least that horrible Reverend Delord got caught cheating on his wife and his congregation. Using his own congregation's money to go to a baseball game with his mistress! It's the Lord's own wrath that made him get caught!"

"Or someone else…" Lana sighed.

"It is a shame about the riots," Claudette sighed.

"Unbelievable!" Lemuel scoffed as a camera shot of the gang in a private box was shown. "What kind of idiots put in a T-Shirt cannon from a booth that high? It's **unbelievable!** "

"You took the words right out of my mouth," Lana said calmly.

On the screen was Darlene Love of Jaguar News. "This just in, Reverend Delord has just been arrested on charges of embezzlement and fraud. Apparently, the tickets he used to buy his seats have been confiscated as evidence."

"Good!" Claudette nodded. "I hope they throw the book at him!"

"Well someone already threw a T-Shirt," Lana quipped. "Good aim."

"The official word from Dodgers Stadium is that the T-Shirt cannons were a promotion gone terribly wrong," Darlene reported. "It was a technical glitch and no human error was involved. The cannons will be dismantled and there will be no further investigation. In additional Dodgers News, the Tunt Corporation has agreed to donate over ten million dollars to The Los Angeles Dodgers Foundation."

"No human error my ass," Lana muttered.

"What was that?" Lemuel asked his daughter.

"I said once again major corporations get a pass," Lana covered.

"She's not wrong," Claudette shrugged.

"In local news," Darlene went on. "There was a major disturbance at the Rock And Roller Indoor Coaster Ride at the new Multiplex Indoor Amusement park. Apparently, the ride went haywire for no reason at all ejecting a dozen people from their seats."

Images of woozy patrons leaving the theater were shown. Including one where a vomit covered Cyril was staggering out of the theater. Followed by a slightly disturbed Ray and Pam. Then a happy Cheryl.

"Maintenance workers attribute this to machine error," Darlene's voice was reported over images of people taken out on stretchers. "As there was no proof of human tampering."

A shot of Krieger waving to the camera was shown. With Ray quickly yanking him off screen. "Gee," Lana said sarcastically. "I wonder how **that** happened?"

"Shoddy workmanship," Lemuel scoffed. "Nothing but shoddy workmanship! Someone should do something about that!"

"Yes," Lana said calmly. "Someone **should."**

"Continuing local news, the Axe to Grind Bar has been temporarily closed due to an odd disturbance," Darlene reported. "Apparently someone with an incredibly strong hand accidentally destroyed one target, while another intoxicated patron was trying to turn her axe throwing instructor into one."

"Sure, let's get people all liquored up and give them sharp weapons," Lana said sarcastically. "What could go wrong?"

"According to witnesses, the attacker was a disturbed red-haired woman screaming, 'You are not my supervisor'," Darlene added. "She escaped before the police arrived. Along with the group she was with."

"Of course," Lana groaned.

"This just in," Darlene was on screen. "There is now a disturbance at the Los Angeles Zoo. Someone had broken in and released the tigers from their pen. The zoo is being evacuated and zoo officials are trying to bring the tigers under control. However, it is difficult for them to do so because for some reason most of the tranquilizers normally used on the tigers are missing…"

"This is Branson all over again…" Lana grumbled.

"Didn't some lunatic let those tigers out of that zoo too?" Claudette remembered.

"Yup," Lana said with a straight face.

"With more on this story," Darlene reported. "We go to Terrance Terrapin at the zoo. Terrance?"

A handsome young black man in a suit and microphone was shown. "This is Terrance Terrapin at the Los Angeles Zoo. Zoo officials have evacuated the zoo with very little to no panic. Fortunately, the loose tigers were not interested in rampaging. It appears that they were already mildly tranquilized before they escaped. But authorities have no idea who did that or let them out in the first place."

Cheryl then toddled in the background. "I tell you one thing!" She shouted loudly and drunkenly. "Those striped bastards know how to party! Hic!"

Terrance, ever the pro ignored Cheryl. "Security is planning on going over the security cameras to see who was responsible."

"Good luck with **that!** " Cheryl laughed. "Hey-O! Damn these drugs have a kick!"

Terrance appeared to listen in on his headset. "I'm getting word now that the security tapes have been found…In a wastebasket that was on fire."

"Called it!" Cheryl laughed. "Hey! Is that a camera!" She staggered towards the camera. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me!"

"There will be an investigation into this incident," Terrance reported as best he could.

Of course, right behind him was Cheryl drunkenly jumping up and down. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Look! Hey!"

"It has now been confirmed that all the tigers have been contained," Terrance went on.

"Yeah but now they gotta worry about the lemurs," Cheryl giggled.

"Lemurs?" Terrance asked.

Just then a lemur jumped on Terrance's head. "Sic 'em Larry!" Cheryl cheered.

"AAAAHHH!" Terrance screamed as he dropped the microphone and ran around with the lemur on his head. "Get it off! Get it off!"

"This Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt with the news! Hic!" Cheryl giggled as she held the microphone. "This just in, I'm about to pass out!" And she did.

"Crazy," Lemuel clucked. "Just nothing but dumb ass crazy."

"Again," Lana sighed. "You took the words right out of my mouth!"

"Hang on," Claudette paused. "That name sounds familiar to me for some reason. Lana didn't you once work with a woman with that same name?"

"Never heard of her," Lana said before she turned off the TV.


End file.
